This is what my life is feeling like as of late, and it is finally time to jot down some thoughts, and let Xanga be (hopefully) as therapeutic as it once was.

I have accrued several personal problems (or non problems, depending on how you see it), and they are finally taking their toll. They have also made me realize what most of my life has been like. It is as if the light finally got switched on, and I was left alone in a room with a mirror, to examine my own life.

Recently, my mother came into town to "have girl time," which is an absolute joke. The mere utterance made me flinch, and expect the worst. She sat on my couch in my apartment in my territory and proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong with my life. Why might she feel she has the right to do this? Because I am her statue on a pedestal.

I was not an easy baby to conceive, in fact, there were 3 before me who didn't make it. So when I arrived it was apparently glorious. My parents thanked God for my life, and swore to raise me as best they knew how. The problem arose when I (being the oldest) was expected to be the best, the most decent, and the wonderful...how ridiculous is that? How can any human being expect to live up to the insanely high standards set for me my whole life? My grades had to match my immaculate mother's, my friends had to be of the highest caliber, and God-forbid I do anything to hurt my parents.

Well, a few things happened. My freshman year of college I got very sick several times, and made the mortal mistake of running home to my mother for help and comfort. I ran from my problems, and have been paying for it ever since. My mother has never been one to let go of anything, anytime, anywhere, me included. In fact, she's held onto me so tight that the purple shade of my face is probably noticeable from a distance. I feel like if I hadn't gone home this wouldn't have happened.

Being home did not last long, and I made my next break free move and left for East Tennessee. Neither a right nor wrong choice, but in all likelihood I was running again. Before this time I met a man, a wonderful man that  am still with, and while I was in TN we started to date. Oddly enough, us dating came as a surprise to my parents as our four months of friendship/dating didn't seem long enough, and they didn't "know him." *Insert rule*- my mom has HATED anyone I have dated UNTIL we break up...then they are great.

I returned home again, but with more freedom tugging at my heart. That summer at my parents was awful. They started to inflict rules they had never inflicted in high school (a curfew for a 20 year old who didn't have a curfew at 18?), and they started blaming Ben for the difference in me, when in truth, I was the difference in me. I was the one that had barely attended church in college, not as a boycott, simply because I was so burned out. I was the one who left my phone in the house and didn't hear it ringing, and I was the one that caused the argument.

I made the decision to transfer schools one last time, a decision that those that knew me best had been predicting all along, that I would/should go to App. And I did. And I fell in love. I fell in love with these mountains, the school, the atmosphere, and my life. I also fell in love with that wonderful man I had mentioned, Ben.

As a by-product of me moving I pushed my parents as far away as possible, and caused alot of trouble. I burned and repaired bridges that year and things started to like alright...sort of.  I reached my last year of college and applied to grad school, and got in! I still had my man, my great friends, and my wonderful life. But statues cannot expect to find happiness until they step off of the pedestal.

My mother is currently barely speaking to me (or I to her) due to one simple fact: I had sex with my boyfriend of 2 years. Earth-shattering, I know. I "went back on my promise" to my parents and God. My mother demanded my purity ring back (no forgiveness for the wicked), and continues to hold an unearthly grudge against me for the apparent pain I have caused her. I wish I could ship her out to California (where she would like to move anyway) and be done with her.

I've been saying her because these are all her words, but in truth my father is not innocent. Instead of telling me whether or not he agrees with her and why, he has chosen a silent oath, and has been barely cordial with me on the phone. The rage I feel is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Let me clarify that my mother asked me outright if I was having sex, and rather than lie I told the truth, a truth she did not want to hear even though she asked. There are two things my mother cannot stand about me: that I tell the truth, 24/7, and that I let things roll off my back life water on a duck. I believe she asked this question so she could hate Ben, because I think she was starting to like him. To be completely honest this whole situation was totally out in left field.

My problem now stands at this: do I reconcile things with my parents, but let them know that this is MY LIFE, and I have to live it my way. I have to step down off this pedestal they placed me on so long ago and make my own mistakes. To let them know that promises made at 12 are mostly unrealistic, because you never know until you get to the situation how you would handle it. Or do I say the end and cut them off?

Neither Ben  nor I want to cut off my parents. I can't stand the thought of my kids hating me because I didn't let them know their grandparents. But I also cannot stand for them wanting to control my life and decisions. I did not choose Ben out of a crowd and say, "I think I'll fall madly in love with that one right there." It just happened. And what I have is not something people get everyday. It is not perfect, but it is awfully close. And I am not willing to let that go.

So where does this leave me? With a really long Xanga post and no resolution. But perhaps writing it all out was exactly what I needed.

Only time will tell.

L